


How Last Jedi Should Have Ended If Disney Wasn't Made Up of Capitalist Dogs: Hire Me You Cowards

by Frau_Eva



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: A Parody, Crack, F/F, F/M, I swear to god I'm working on my ongoing fics as we speak, M/M, Multi, My brain just wouldn't leave me alone until I did this, Other, fully automated luxury gay space communism, this is probably the dumbest thing i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-30 23:05:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frau_Eva/pseuds/Frau_Eva
Summary: I don't even know, ya'll





	How Last Jedi Should Have Ended If Disney Wasn't Made Up of Capitalist Dogs: Hire Me You Cowards

Kylo Ren's outline was framed by the sparks of the quickly-burning throne room. "It's time to let old things die--Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the rebels. Let it all die." He turned to look at her and extend his gloved hand. "Rey...I want you to join me. We can rule together and bring order to the galaxy."

A million images and feelings flickered through her mind. Hours and hours of struggling in the arid desert for a measly portion. The ache of an empty belly. Traders fighting over scraps. The sneer of Unkar Plutt and the brutality of his thugs. The glittering riches she had only briefly glimpsed of the Core Worlds.

Slowly, shakily, she reached her hand out for his. "I'll do it."

"Wait, really?" he stammered. "I...honestly, I thought it was going to take more convincing than that."

"Well...we need to have a talk first. I stole the Jedi texts from the temple on Ach-to, and....I found some new ones." With her other hand, Rey took out the little red book that was always in her pocket. "Have you ever read 'Das Kapital?'"

* * *

 

She had tried her best to explain while they saved the galaxy, but judging by his pout, it was going to take some time. "I still don't see why the rebels have to live." Kylo looked at the book in his hand with vague distrust.

"Your goal of dismantling unjust systems is exemplary, but the proletariat have no choice but to participate in them. We have to practice solidarity above all." She gave him a reassuring peck on the cheek. "It'll make much more sense once you read Kropotkin."

Kylo was about to balk at the ever-increasing reading list his would-be Empress was implementing when the door annunciator sounded. A petite dark-haired woman casually strolled through Rey's quarters, tracking in what Kylo easily recognized as the soot and grime of the battlefield.

Rey greeted her with a long hug and a lingering kiss. "Rose, it's been too long since I've seen you! How was Canto Bight?"

"Oh, absolutely exhausting. Still haven't had time yet to wipe the blood of the 1% off my boots! You would not _believe_ the fight they put up."

"While I'm not saying I'm not okay with....that," Kylo interrupted with a whisper, surprise and a faint blush written over his pale face. "Couldn't we...talk...about the boundaries of our, uh, emperor and empress relationship?"

"Oh, Ben, its integral to building solidarity between groups and breaking down barriers of oppression that we not practice exclusionary sexual politics."

"I-It is?"

"Yep! You were right that we have to destroy all these categories--Jedi, Sith, rebels, alliance, First Order, race, gender, husband, wife. These are meant to separate and oppress us. The only true categories are the bourgeoisie and the proletariat--those who seek to oppress others and everyone else," Rey said with a fervent sparkle in her eye.

"Uh-huh..."

"We're getting a little ahead of ourselves--I mean, we haven't even gotten to the Queer Anarchists yet--but I promise it'll all come together."

"Listen, Rey...this isn't going to end up with everyone living in one room and rationing caf, is it?" Kylo asked, still trying to best to keep his voice low. "Because I don't think I can deal with that."

Rey giggled. "Oh, of course not, Ben! Everyone deserves luxury under fully-automated gay space communism."

"Fully-what? I...Rey, I was going to have you as my empress, absolutely dripping in jewels!" He raised his hands into claws. Rose merely watched him with a knowing smirk.

"But I deserved luxury when I wasn't an empress too, and so does everyone else. 'Freedom is merely privilege extended unless enjoyed by one and all.'" She sidled up to him and batted her lashes. "I appreciate the sentiment though."

"Right..." Kylo looked away bashfully and ran a hand through his hair.

"You've taken this so well," she said, snuggling up under his chin. "Really, I'm so proud of you. I think I may be able to implement the second phase of the plan earlier than expected."

Rose spoke into her comm link. Rey continued to nuzzle the Emperor until minutes later, a man with soulful brown eyes and lush brown curls entered with a large briefcase in tow. Kylo immediately leapt off the couch at the sight of him, his lightsaber springing to his hand. "Dameron!"

Rey was between them in moments."Now, now, Ben, he's a fellow comrade now! Besides, he's integral the second phase of our plan. Have you ever heard of a polycule?"

A what?!"

"A polycule," Rose piped up. "It refers collectively to all the people who are in a relationship with one or more other members of a group."

"What does that have to do with anything?!"

"Everything, Ben." Rey slowly advanced on the menacing black figure and lowered his sword arm with her own. "Right now, people are too caught up in whose side they're on, what group they belong to--they won't let the past die." Kylo's lightsaber extinguished. "And that's why we have to remind them of what they have in common--by uniting everyone in a Grand Polycule that will span the stars."

"But...Dameron..."

"He's the natural choice as Universal Polycule Facilitator. He's already initiated sexual congress with 100% of the resistance and 75% of the First Order," Rose said.

"....So that's how the rebels got all those goddamn schematics....wait...." Kylo turned to Rey with horror. "Dameron, Rey...." Horror turned to simmering rage. "MOM?!" He was already leaping for Poe's throat.

"Now, now," Rey said, throwing her arms around his shoulders. "We have to let go of toxic ideas of purity as participating in a mutually reinforcing dialectical relationship between capitalist class structure and hierarchical sexual structuring. Perhaps we'll move up Eisenstein a bit sooner in the reading list then?"

"But..." He shook his head. The implications raced through Kylo's mind. Shakily, he raised his comm link to his face. "HUX! REPORT!"

There was nothing but crackling static for a moment before a guilty whine finally answered him, "I DIDN'T KNOW WHO HE WAS, OKAY? I WAS ON LEAVE AND IT WAS DARK IN THE JETTERS' BAR, OKAY?" Hux descended into shameful weeping on the other end of the comm. "And he had those eyes....those beautiful brown eyes..."

"I know this must come as quite a shock," Poe spoke, voice smooth and low. "And I'm sure the last few days haven't been easy." His brows upturned slightly--a look that made his eyes look caring yet strangely hypnotic.

"It....yeah." Kylo was too shocked and overwhelmed to manage anything else. The fact that he wasn't used to being talked to that way didn't help matters.

"You look tense, your Highness. I bet you could use a break." Poe's voice was reassuring, concerned.

"He definitely could," Rey agreed, standing up on her tip-toes to tenderly brush the dark hair from Kylo's face. "He runs himself ragged, you know. I worry he's internalized the fetishization of overwork."

Poe tutted. "I think it would be best to start with a massage--I have these lovely oils I just acquired from the Rose Nebula on Coruscant." He had to reach up to touch Kylo's shoulders.

"I...I don't understand..." Kylo muttered, though the blush on his cheeks disagreed.

"You'll have to be initiated eventually," Rey cooed. "I could help, if it'll make you feel better."

"If you're asexual, we've decided that Poe can instead hold you and stare lovingly into your eyes while stroking your hair. An hour minimum though for it to count." Rose informed him, taking off her grubby boots as she watched the two stroke an increasingly sexually terrified Emperor of the Galaxy.

_It's okay_ Rey told him through the bond _Just go with it. I can tell through the bond you're at half-mast anyway, so don't try to hide it._ She dragged him down by the collar and pressed him to lay on her bed. Poe opened his briefcase and began setting out his tools--massage oils, rubber gloves, and a large black dildo he had acquired especially for the occasion. Poe thought vaguely of having it gilded and mounted for the mantle in his new office.

Somewhere, someplace, in a realm where there is neither space nor time, a small figure of pure energy watches the scene with pride. "Truly learned you have, young padawans," he said, a proud quiver in his high voice, "The opiate of the masses, religion is."

* * *

 

Years later, a group of recruit sips badly-made caf before being ushered to their seats. The lights are dimmed and a promotional holovid appears on the projector. A smiling group of various races, species, and genders smile as they go about their work in identical dark red uniforms. A Rodian studies his flight simulator. A Bothan leads a meeting, pointing to a navigational chart. A Wookie puts on a welding mask, sparks flying around his tools as he works. The stirring chords of "The Internationale" play in the background.

"Me!" said a Zabrak.

"Me too!" echoed a Mon Calamari.

An Ortolan agrees is a series of squeaks and trills.

"You too?" said a Toydarian with a laugh, "So did I!"

A soothing narration breaks into the series of happy uniformed workers: "What do all these beings have in common? They may be from every world and species you can imagine, but they've all had sex with Poe Dameron! Infact, our records show that half of the galaxy now has had sex with Poe Dameron, and earned their membership in the Grand Polycule."  
  
"But you may be asking, 'What Can The Grand Polycule Do For Me?" A chyron appears with that very statement, then disappears as a Twi'lek is brought on screen. "I didn't have much faith in anything changing my life much for the better, to be honest," she said, her lekku twitching nervously. "Both the Republic and the Empire let slavery continue as long as it was out of sight. But one of the other slaves gave crucial information over to the Grand Polycule, and my masters were chemically castrated and sent to work in the dildo mines of Yavin 4." She sniffled, clearly becoming slightly emotional. "So I did it. I let Poe Dameron hold me, look deeply into my eyes, and joined the Polycule. And I couldn't be happier."  
  
"All over the galaxy," the narrator continued over video of more happy families and workers, "People are seizing the means of production, throwing off their chains, and joining the Grand Polycule. Surely half the galaxy can't be wrong!"  
  
The video winds down and the lights flicker back on. Poe Dameron gives a few claps before wiping away a tear. "That story always gets me," he says, then begins putting on his rubber gloves. "Now, form an orderly line. No pushing, you'll get your turn. You might want to get some reading or a puzzle out though, this will be a while."

**Author's Note:**

> My name is JeneeLestrange on Tumblr if anyone wants to chat. If someone makes Polycule Propoganda fanart with like, Rey in Soviet-poster style triumphantly holding a dildo or some shit, tag me and I will probably cry


End file.
